I wrote this in my journal the other morning: A New Day.
Thank you for start overs, do-overs, fresh starts. Thank you for crisp and clean sun rises that are tinged with gold. They remind me of the refining.
Yesterday was a doosie. I felt upside down and out of control. I was weighed down by a bad attitude and bad habits.
This morning the gift of repentance brings me to my knees, well, to be honest, I'm sitting criss-cross-applesauce on the floor of my baby's room. It's in this space that the messiness and the holiness collide.
So, I wanted to quit my job that other day. I wanted to trade my flats back in for my heels and race back to an office where it was quiet and the only person or thing I was answering to in that moment may have been emails. I wanted to trade in my clothes that smelled like spit up for the "dry-clean only-s" and grab a macchiato in my heels...yes, I know I already mentioned the heels...I just really miss them sometimes...
The guilt I felt for even thinking those thoughts was heavy and suffocating. I tried to stuff it away and press on in that moment but it wasn't going to happen. In a heap on the floor of The Little Man's room I sobbed tired tears and sent texts to my best friends. After a few minutes of feeling sorry for myself I read those sweet, encouraging bubbles as they popped up on my screen. I pulled the screaming baby from her crib, wiped my eyes and pressed myself up off the ground and then on to what I was being called to...or cried at for...depending on how you look at it.
The truth is motherhood is hard and every life is hard whether you find yourself in a house with a kid or an office with a project or a field with a basket or the hundreds of thousands of other scenarios all the people find themselves in. We can all find common ground in the truth that this life can be hard. In this moment there is no need for comparison, no need to compare the hard or the hurt, lets all just agree that there are moments and there are days and months and years and lifetimes that feel hard.
Since that day I have been twirling this incident in my head like a lock of hair around a finger. I've been thinking on it and considering the possibilities. I know I am not alone. I know there are others out there that have their own stories of bad days and bad months and bad years. My social media feeds confirm that there are those that feel alone and not understood as I did in that mere moment. As the thoughts kept twirling and the sun kept rising, a seed of an idea began to take root in this weary heart.
If I'm not alone why not join with the others.
I am in a season of life where Bible studies and weekly small groups seem daunting rather than life-giving...and I know that there are others in different circumstances that feel the same way. I also know that nothing, NOTHING, can replace the power of gathering together with real live people, ones you can hug and hand tissues to and eat food with, but there are seasons such as mine, where you need to get creative with community.
When those chimes came from the rectangular box in my hand as I was heaped in a puddle of self-sorries, I read the words in those little blue and gray bubbles. The one in Colorado, the one in Virginia, the two in Southern California were my personal cheerleaders...reminding me of the things I needed to hear.
What if more of us could do that for each other? And more? What if some of us who need some community used these crazy inter-webs to encourage with words AND study the Word. I realize this is not a new idea, I know it's not something I came up with but it is something I haven't taken full advantage of. And, the bottom line, real truth is: if I don't do something about it now, this messy house and just plain messy season is going to keep me feeling all messed up.
The truth is that, as a good friend of mine put it, "I saw every hour on the clock last night." Conventional "quiet times" and Bible studies don't fit right now and that's okay. The Spirit of God is not confined by such parameters anyway.
So here it is. I have found a study on the Holy Spirit called Breath: The Life of God in Us, by Beth Moore. I love Beth. She's like a good friend I've had for years that doesn't even know she's good friend. I'm sure others can attest. She digs right into the Word of God and helps a person digest it and apply it. I so admire her gift of teaching and every time I hear her, God uses her words to make His Word alive to me in a new way. So, I want to invite you to join me and "my good friend, Beth" for six weeks. All you have to do is download the videos or audios at Living Proof Ministries (The videos are $5 each. The audio is $4 each. You can also purchase a listening guide with some other articles to be delivered by mail for $10 plus shipping) watch one a week and join the conversation here.
I don't want to despise the season that I am in. I want to embrace the season that I am in. I don't want to let joy be stolen and I don't want to feel so empty. I know that I am hungry, hungry for the Bread of Life, gasping for the Breath of Life, hungry for the Word of God, more of Jesus. Maybe you find yourself there too.
too. Maybe one more cup of coffee will give you the energy to get through the next hour but it will not sustain you and replenish you. It will not fill you so you can pour out on those that are entrusted to you: your friends, patients, co-workers, children or spouse.
If you find yourself in a season like me then let's band together and start a conversation about this God who really does meet us right where we are at...like on the messy floor of my babies bedroom.
If you want to join here is the plan:
Week 1 will start on Sunday, January 18th. I will post a welcome in this Facebook Event with some instructions and encouragement. On Wednesday I will post a question that relates to the video for that week. In your own time you can respond to the question with your own thoughts, feedback, and encouragement for others. Simple and in your own time frame. I look forward to sitting with my cup of coffee, microwaved for the fifth time, as we come together to in our own places and spaces and see what God will do.