I tried to fill these two hours with so many things this morning but that still, small voice beckoned me to the keyboard. “Sit down. Write. You will want to remember this.”
We walked her to her Kindergarten class yesterday morning. New shoes, crisp clothes and that backpack she picked out. She looked the part.
The traffic was horrendous. We live a mile away and 20 minutes later we had parked the car.
“What time is it?” I asked as we dragged kids up a hill.
“You don’t want to know.” He knows me so well.
She hung up that back pack and took her lunch box out to put away. She went in that room with all new faces...not knowing a one...and she smiled. Brave and bold. Ready to take on the world.
I couldn’t stop the tears as I was walking with The Peanut on my arm and watching Little Man run his zig zags back to our car.
As we drove away my thoughts raced.
Everyone explains this day to you. They tell you that you are going to cry. But there is not a thing that can prepare you for letting your little person go. It all came crashing down on me. Wave after wave. I saw her high school graduation, her first day of college and her wedding. I wondered, if I am this big of a mess now, how in the world will I get through those days.
Then the questions, like bullets, fired off over and over. Is she ready? Have a taught her enough? Have I done my job well? Did I pack the right snack? I forgot to write a note in her lunch box! Wait...she can’t read yet. Will the other kids have notes in their lunch boxes?
After this barrage of reflections I took a deep breath. All of those questions really didn’t matter in the moment. Because, the truth was, she had already stepped into her new season...and this new chapter of independence and confidence in who she is was been marked out in fresh ink. The truth was that I would not know every single word of this chapter, like I did before. The truth was that I would have to dig down deep and find that next level of trust. I would have to trust that I did my best to prepare her for this season and that His grace would filled the holes.
With day one done I had to wake up this morning with open palms and an open heart again. Little Man was off to preschool.
We dropped off the Bug in the drop off line...not because I didn’t want to unload everyone and walk...but because she begged me. My big girl.
Then Little Man, Peanut and I met the Fly at preschool. We walked my baby down the hall and to his classroom. Toys everywhere and we were a distant memory. Eyes, arms and smiles, the Mr. Potato Heads called his name and he got busy with his hands...building and shaping.
The fly and I lingered, waiting to see how he would do. And, without care or concern for us, he went on playing. Confident and comfortable in his own skin. Growing up.
We said goodbye and I got a kiss, not because he needed one but because I did. Walking down the hall I said, “It’s just you and me, Peanut.”
And, so, this new season begins as I unfold my big mama wings and let them fly.
Psalm 911 Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty
. 2 I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust.”
3 Surely he will save you
from the fowler’s snare
and from the deadly pestilence.
4 He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.