I feel like something may be waking up inside of me. I picture a sleeping lion or it’s something as simple as a seedling almost ready to break through the surface. Perhaps it’s due to this ever-rounding abdomen...new life ready to push through. Or, maybe I’m starting to dream again. Both of these scenarios cause me a little anxiety if I’m completely honest. And, why not be completely honest, right? (If I have actually found time and energy to write I may as well tell the truth!)
There are millions of people out there caring for, raising up, pouring into three babies...some even all at the same time. (Triplets, anyone?!) But if I’m completely honest I had a hard time adjusting to two. I keep telling myself and others with a smile and a nod that I think this will be easier this time. However, yesterday as I walked through Target with two babies and the Fly I wondered how I would do it. How do you do life with three little people? How do you go to Target, buy groceries, or just make sure everyone brushed their teeth?
This pregnancy has been bittersweet. I love feeling the sweet baby girl round her body and kick me swiftly. I adore her hiccups as I lay down at night but my body has not worn this so well. Ligaments, loosened from the other two, are having a hard time supporting this little life. Through the aching I am desperately trying to relish these moments and this miracle. But, if I’m honest it’s hard when it all just hurts.
And all at the same time, as my head spins about, swirling with the what-ifs and how-in-the-worlds will we raise three children well, I am also thinking about things like calling and career. I have no desire to entertain the debate between Staying Home and Working Mom...God weaves different stories in to His Great Story...but, if I’m being honest, the debate is heavy on my own heart and in my own head.
I read blogs, articles, books and I watch women my age taking it one day at a time trying to follow God-given dreams and raise up God-loving families. And, I’m inspired. I fully believe it can be both/and rather than either/or.
The problem I face, if I’m being completely honest, is that I haven’t let myself dream much about calling and career in the past three years. The last three years have been so much about healing and letting go. And, I have done those things. Last year around this time I finally began to mourn the death of dreams I had as a young girl and young woman. It was such a relief to finally face it all and let it go. I finally had peace.
But after that I became paralyzed when it came to dreams. It was so painful to hope and pursue something that never panned out. Without realizing it, I shut down the dreaming place...with good intentions...being content where I was at...but in shutting down the dreaming place I shut down something God uniquely designed in me.
If I’m being completely honest...I am a dreamer. That is how God made me. I love to cast vision. I love to think up big things. I love to imagine how it will all play out. I am a creative. I am an artist. I feel purposeful and alive in these places.
If I’m being completely honest, I want my kids to know this about me. I want them to see mommy live up to her God-given potential so that they might do it as well. I want each of them to know that God loves them with an un-failing love and has gifted them so they too can join in and play a role in His greater story. I want them to know His plans and purposes for their lives.
So, is it for me or them that I might allow myself to start dreaming again? Could the answer be both/and rather than either/or again? Could God be asking me to trust Him and in this season of birthing and nursing just start dreaming again?
Perhaps, if I’m completely honest, I think I might, sorta, kinda, (hesitating slightly), be ready for three babies and big dreams. No one said it would be easy...but easy doesn’t tell good stories...and I’m not interested in living anything less than a really good story.